before you run to list your house on Zillow because your already insane neighbor has stocked up on enough discount fireworks to start a war, check out my Top 3 Worst People on July 4th.
Every holiday has its ups and downs, quirky routines, and is never a bonafide hit with everyone. However, on July 4th, the idea of celebrating our wonderful nation turns into a bizarre showcase of America’s Not Got Talent.
Modern Manners Guy is hosted by Richie Frieman. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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People always ask me where I get my ideas for my Modern Manners Guys episodes and I’m always happy to share my unique technique. First, I go into my Manners Dungeon, then open a hundred-page spreadsheet of data and analytics about what is proper and mannerly. Then, I sit down at my journal, turn on the Bach and Mozart, sip my tea, and get in the proper zone to educate the masses on all things etiquette. Eh, who am I kidding—I can find a month’s worth of material while waiting in line at Starbucks.
Case in point—on July 3rd, to my amusement, I happened to encounter three weirdos discussing their 4th of July plans. Well, there were five but the other two were kids, so I’ll give them a pass. But not Captain ‘Merica in front of me, bragging about his homemade fireworks.
So, before you run to list your house on Zillow because your already insane neighbor has stocked up on enough discount fireworks to start a war, check out my Top 3 Worst People on July 4th.
If you’ve never seen the hit show, Eastbound & Down, I highly recommend checking it out. First, it’s definitely NOT a kid show, so maybe put in earbuds before watching Danny McBride as the insanely hilarious Kenny Powers, whose outlandish behavior is the best example of ‘Merica. Let me be clear, this is not America, but ‘Merica – and yes, there is a difference. Bear in mind, this is not an editorial on how different classes of people celebrate July 4th, but rather a distinct identity of the crazies among us. Remember that your mannerly friend has spent a large part of his life in art museums as well as in the rusty squared circles of professional wrestling. So, lest you think there is a better person to illustrate both sides of the aisle on this topic, there is not.
To better illustrate this argument, the American way on July 4th is more like the Ralph Lauren Instagram photos of picturesque families and friends, gathered around a picnic table in red, white, and blue, celebrating our nation’s freedom with sparklers. The ‘Merican way, is the Kenny Powers, backyard bonanza of doing everything they can to ensure at least nine fire trucks show up to the house before the night is over. I’ve been to both sets of parties and before you think I’m getting on my hoity-toity high horse, it doesn’t take a manners professional like myself to know which one is the more proper event to attend.
When someone in the line at Starbucks was rattling off their list of “high voltage” (their words) fireworks their brother-in-law “snuck over” (exact words and I don’t want to know from where), it reminded me of a July 4th party I attended a few years back. To be clear, I assumed this was a family-friendly evening, right out of the J.Crew catalog, but sadly, the only crew there were first responders called to the rescue. My friend Joey is a lawyer with a beautiful slice of land where he regularly hosts awesome parties. I’ve been to his place multiple times but never (and never again) on July 4th. When I pulled up you would have thought it was a frat rager that had started at 6:30 in the morning. Joey didn’t have some fireworks, Joey had all the fireworks. I am 100% sure this was not legal. Apparently, the well-mannered dear friend of mine turns into the Greatest Showman on July 4th with his gorgeous property resembling the set of American Gladiators but with flame throwers. People ran around shooting bottle rockets at one another in some deranged game of tag. His pool was dyed red, and to be honest, I thought it was from someone being injured during a “fun-filled” game of “Who Wants To Get Their Hand Blown Off By My Homemade Firework?”. Mind you, all of this was in the spirit of ‘Merica. Yeah, that makes sense. Let’s celebrate our nation’s independence with your back alley cherry bombs. My head was on a swivel at every turn and I feared for my life. Seriously. After fifteen minutes, I exited stage left as fast as I could. Joey was too plastered to even realize I was there and I was okay with that.
What happens to people on July 4th that makes them all turn into a mad scientist of all things that go BOOM? Sure, have some fun with sparklers and celebrate as colorfully as you wish, but do not turn your house into something you’ll see on the news the next morning. And just because you may live a more mannerly life 364 days out of the year, this one day is not your free pass time to let your freak flag fly… regardless if it’s red, white, and blue.
There’s one thing worse than having to attend a dinner party with family you can’t stand—having to attend one that turns into a political debate. I’ve talked about how improper it is to discuss politics in previous episodes and July 4th is a perfect example of a holiday in which a political viewpoint can start its own fireworks. The fuse to the fire when it comes to ruining a low-key, peaceful July 4th is the Political Junkie who is ready and willing to debate anything and everything about why July 4th is not worth celebrating. This person is usually a downer at most events but anything politically or war-time related really stirs their system into spewing inappropriate anecdotes about our country. There you are enjoying some star-shaped sugar cookies with “Ain’t That America” by John Mellencamp playing in the background, when the Political Junkie chimes in with, “Yeah… home of the free my butt.” Except, you know, something a little colorful.
Mannerly Nation, I don’t care what side of the political spectrum you have planted your flag but a July 4th party is not your time to express how society is in a downfall—in your eyes. Even if you have a doctorate in American history, or conducted your own TEDTalk, based on your background, a holiday party is not your political soapbox. For the life of me, I will never understand why some people with a history of instigating ANY argument with their family and/or friends bothers going to said event anyway? This person knows they’re going to start something, knows people can’t stand it, yet insists on “being themselves” despite the frustration they cause.
When you’re around the Political Junkie on July 4th, do anything you can to avoid entertaining their opinions; don’t debate, don’t complain to them, and don’t even scold them for doing this yet again. I prefer the “when they go low, we go high” mentality of just ignoring them and going about your day. People will join you in this pact as well, so don’t be shy to do what you can to derail their antics. After all, any chronic debater wants to have someone challenge them. So, if you are able to cut that part of the conversation off before it even begins, you lessen the fuel to the fire that is the uncontrolled inferno of the Political Junkie.
Come on, Political Junkie, can’t I enjoy my triple-layered, red, white, and blue cake in peace, please? It’s buttercream frosting, too! That’s all I ask.
For the record, I’m a proud supporter of anyone who has served our country. My grandfather did, as did my Dad, and I have dozens of friends and colleagues who valiantly risked their lives for this incredible country. With that being said, everyone is patriotic in their own way and some people like to get a little too into July 4th. No disrespect to War Reenactors, by any means, however, had I known that a musket and sword were part of the festivities, I would have RSVP’d “No” to the party. This is not to say I don’t like waving the flag, dressing in red, white, and blue and even singing the national anthem, as I did at one family member’s party, but let’s be clear on the agenda at hand.
Look, I’m down for whatever theme a party I’m invited to is conducting. You want us to dress up in ugly holiday sweaters in December, I’m your guy. You need me to bring a vegan meal to a birthday party, I’ll find the best item possible. And yes, if you do want to add some pizzazz to your patriotism, then tell me what to wear and when. However, let’s not forget this holiday is about celebration. For example, years ago, I attended a July 4th holiday party that was supposed to be a casual get-together of dear friends and our kids. On this day, the host decided to forgo the normal—proper—traditions of July 4th. On the food table, he had illustrations, which I assume he got offline, of what it must have been like during the Revolutionary War—with blood and other rather unsettling imagery. I mean, I don’t need to see some guy's head shot off while I’m getting ketchup for my hamburger, you know? He even had old-school books about the pain and suffering people endured during the war. Again, I appreciate a good read but not while I’m playing cornhole.
Top it off, he hired someone dressed as George Washington to walk around the yard IN CHARACTER, like some poor man’s Daniel Day-Lewis, not breaking character the entire time. Sadly, this was not the set of Lincoln but a backyard... with kids… and balloons. Still, General Washington walked around recounting the war in great detail as if he was just sent in a time machine the very same day.
It was awful—and I don’t just mean this guy’s “performance.” The kids were freaked out, the adults weren’t amused, and General Washington wasn’t getting the hint that no one was responding positively to being approached. Look, kudos to this guy for sticking it out and doing his job but the party planner was way off the mark in what people really expected at a July 4th party. It was so bad that I kinda wished for the Political Junkie to be there and kick off a rambling debate, or for some fireworks to just light the whole party on fire.
When you’re throwing a holiday party, the proper thing to do is know your audience and don’t make it all about you—especially when the party is not about you at all. When you clearly try to interject something personal (that’s so off-topic) into a friendly gathering it will only come off as rude and rather selfish. Take this party for example—not one person enjoyed the extras the host planned. No one was rude about it but as someone who bared witness to the sad day, I can assure everyone shared the same feeling. Unfortunately, that feeling was nausea… and not from Tina’s egg salad. Ugh, that was awful!