Before your weekend road trip with the worst passenger on Earth makes you want to relive the final scene of Thelma & Louise, check out my list of The 3 Rudest Road Trippers.
Whether for work or pleasure, a road trip doesn’t always have to be such a grind. In fact, some calming me-time on the open road is good for the soul… well, unless one of your passengers makes you want to run the car off of steep a cliff out of pure frustration.
Modern Manners Guy is hosted by Richie Frieman. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have an etiquette question? Email Richie at manners@quickanddirtytips.com.
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Whether for work or for pleasure, taking a fun-filled road trip has been as American as apple pie and trashy reality television. I remember road trips with my family to the beaches in the summer where it felt like we packed our entire house for a three-hour ride. We played the license plate game, begged for bathroom breaks every half hour, and downed about 15,000 calories of Cheetos. What could be better, right?
Well, times changed regarding my nostalgia for road trips, as my patience and tolerance for rude passengers outweighed my desire for any “car games.” Now, I’m more meticulous about who I go on a road trip with, doing the same research on my would-be passengers as I would with purchasing an automobile. “So, you’re telling me that Walter insists on bringing his pet lizard as a therapy pet? No way he’s coming with us—he’s out!”
So, before your weekend road trip with the worst passenger on Earth makes you want to relive the final scene of Thelma & Louise, check out my list of The 3 Rudest Road Trippers.
Yup, I’m going there. You might think it’s harsh… but everyone knows I’m right. Look, I’m a father of two amazing kids and love being a dad more than anything, and with that, I can speak to experience on the frustrations of traveling with children. My daughter is 15 and my son is 11 and between road-tripping for vacations, visiting family out of state, or to their numerous athletic commitments, I’ve logged more miles than the top ten most popular Uber drivers. In my vast experience, I’ve witnessed the highs of road-tripping with kids, where they just sleep and stay quiet the whole time, and the lows, where they ask a thousand questions, have a tantrum, or demand snacks. Why are there never enough snacks?!? How much do kids need to eat?
For example, just last month, I took my daughter on what should have been a seven-hour road trip from Maryland to Massachusetts for a lacrosse tournament. Listener: it did not take seven hours. Not ONE thing about that ride was enjoyable and of course it took twice as long as it should have. It was supposed to be fun, with cool spots my daughter and I mapped out weeks before, but thanks to unforeseen traffic jams, it was hardly a good time. Well, if you call being stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on a New York City bridge for a half hour, only to then be caught driving 25 miles per hour for an hour and a half right after the Big Apple a fun-filled adventure, then consider my car Space Mountain. And apparently, it turns out that my magic wand to fix all the world’s problems wasn’t quite working that day either. So my teenage passenger—while she laid down streaming movies with a pillow and blanket, mind you—was forced to endure the indignities of traffic with only a handful of varieties of gummies and crispy snacks. Excuse me while I go play the world’s tiniest violin.
Oh, and if you have kids that are in their younger years, who think ten minutes feels like ten hours, good luck getting their support while you zig-zag your way through traffic. If you have experienced this, I feel your pain. If you haven’t had the fortunate opportunity to witness a toddler make more demands than a bank robber, I highly recommend you join a family or friend on one of their road trips before having children.
During a road trip with kids, it’s best to treat the excursion like a full-on military mission; plan for every possible mishap imaginable and keep the troops in line. Before you leave the house, ask every child what they need for entertainment and sustenance. With that, as much as I never advise “spoiling” your kids, in this situation, let some areas slide to make sure your “little bundle of complaints” is happier than ever. You need snacks? You got it! You want to rent a movie to stream for three hours? Heck, make it two movies. I promise you that extra $9 will go a very long way.
In all seriousness, having the kids understand what goes into a road trip also teaches them valuable manners such as patience, responsibility, and empathy. When (not if) they start to complain about the long ride, remind them that you already allowed them the entertainment options they asked for and that it’s rude to be more demanding. Also, when you’re stuck in traffic, and they start to get itchy, just remind them that there is absolutely nothing you can do. Nothing. At all! The fact they have the audacity to assume you’re okay with sitting idle in traffic should be a teaching lesson to show empathy for the driver. After all, they will be in your shoes down the road. That reminds me… maybe I owe my parents a belated apology or two.
If there is one persona on this list that is most relatable, it’s the Expert. We have all driven with someone who believes they are the Wizard of Waze, the Dictator of Directions, or the Head Honcho of the Highway, who always knows better than a GPS. As I’m recording this, I’m already seething at the individuals in my head who cause me more mental road rage than the elderly driver coasting at 45 miles per hour in a 65 mile speed limit.
The interesting thing about the Expert is they most likely fancy themselves knowledgeable in a lot of other areas as well. It could be cooking—“If you really want to get that smoky flavor you should be using a charcoal grill and not a gas one.” They may also love to boast about their understanding of thermostats—“The Nest is by far superior to the Honeywell… but hey, it’s your house so enjoy spending a fortune on air conditioning.” Oh, the arrogance! Man, this person drives me nuts.
Speaking of driving, nothing gets the Expert’s genius engine running harder than when they’re dishing out their version of directions. The ironic part about the Expert is their heyday of rudely offering directions is long past thanks to Waze or Google Maps. I mean, you would think that the billions of dollars worth of intelligence for companies like that would shut the Expert up, but nope, they still got it. The Expert always knows the fastest route or the one with the least amount of tolls. They also could have told you there would be a ton of traffic on this route, at this time of day, as if they could predict an accident that just caused said backup. The Expert doesn’t care if you listen, just that they are heard because if you do follow their directions and it doesn’t work out, then they’ll likely have a defense for that as well. Like the toddler or teenager lounging away in the comfort of your car while you stress over rude drivers whipping in and out of lanes like the Indianapolis 500, you cannot stop the madness of the Expert. However, you can put the brakes on their need for expertise before the trip even begins.
See, the beauty in dealing with the Expert is they have likely been told they’re annoying for the majority of their adult life. I recommend laying out the ground rules from the start, even prior to the Expert gracing their presence in the passenger seat. Whether you address it with humor or stern assertion, the Expert has to know that you’re only using the AI of a top-rated navigation app and not their own sense of direction. You will not entertain nor accept their rationale to dispute Waze or Google either. Along with trusting technology over them, nor will you side with the Expert when an accident occurs dozens of miles away and the app should have “seen it coming.”
While kids may be annoying and the Expert may be judgmental, driving with the Nervous One may be the most hazardous. Let’s review some of the traits of the Nervous One, who actually combines key characteristics from a complaining child and an arrogant Expert. For starters, the Nervous One goes into any road trip already knowing it’s going to be a bumpy ride… for them. I mean, you could be driving in the middle of the desert, with no other life form on the road besides a dust ball, and the Nervous One will still find a reason for you to slow down. And don’t get me started with their improper outbursts, tight grips on the sides of the car, loud gasps, and everyone’s favorite, their imaginary brake pedal. My mom is a card-carrying member of Team Nervous One and the movements she makes every time someone merges into our lane look like her body is being possessed by demons. As someone who has driven with several Nervous Ones in my life, nothing causes me more angst than having to see the Nervous One’s body jolt at the slightest lane change.
The most proper way to handle the Nervous One is to speak directly to them about their unmannerly ways in hopes of painting a proper picture of how annoying they are on a road trip. Don’t hold back either. Be stern and make it known that they are the ones that could cause an accident.
So, let’s do that now:
To the Nervous One reading or listening to this podcast, I beg you to stop. Please. You’re not helping anyone and never in the history of driving has anyone thanked a Nervous One for making a driver feel even more panicked. I understand that staying calm during a road trip isn’t easy but it’s crucial to the safety of the driver (and other passengers). I’m not trying to get preachy or anything but the Nervous One needs to take a chill pill! Seriously, they make a plethora of medications to allow a Nervous One to calm their tensions and I highly recommend the Nervous One look into that. Take a swig of Nyquil to knock yourself out. If you can’t handle that, the proper thing to do is either sit in the way back of the car, watch your phone, read a book, or take a long nap. Do whatever you can to distract your brain, and leave the driving to the driver.
Your job is not to detail every action of every other car on the road, so simply sit back, keep quiet, and try to enjoy the ride. In the end, the driver will never look to your outbursts of what may be coming down the road as guidance for them. The Nervous One will always be a distraction, and with that, the proper way to handle the Nervous One is to level with them before the ride. I don’t care if you’re in a two-seater convertible—if the Nervous One is becoming too much of a distraction on the road trip, then rent a bigger car.