It seems like the world needs a refresher on how to treat people who work in service with the same respect and kindness you would expect for yourself.
As someone who can mess up microwavable Minute Rice, I rely on restaurants when I want a good meal. So, as a frequent diner, I always make sure to treat the wait staff with respect. However, there are some improper restaurantgoers out there who believe they should be treated like royalty.
Modern Manners Guy is hosted by Richie Frieman. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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As someone who can mess up microwavable Minute Rice, I rely on restaurants when I want a good meal. And as a frequent diner, I always make sure to treat the wait staff with respect and kindness. However, more times than I like, I witness improper restaurantgoers who believe they should be treated like royalty. Sadly, I’ve not only witnessed this level of rudeness in the wild but had the unfortunate opportunity to dine with said entitled customer. You would think it doesn’t take manners enthusiasts like ourselves here to realize that certain people who prefer to bark at wait staff or try to belittle them for their own pleasure should never be allowed out of the house. Still, it seems like the world needs a refresher on how to treat people who work in service with the same respect and kindness you would expect for yourself.
So, before you find yourself with the worst diner in the world, check out my list of the 3 rudest diners you’ll meet at the restaurant.
In my last Modern Manners Guy podcast, about Rude Road Trip Passengers, I discussed a persona known as the Expert, who believes they know everything about anything. Well, in the restaurant world, the Expert takes a slightly different form as a stuck-up, egotistical self-proclaimed Critic.
The best thing about the Critic is that nine out of ten times the fine-dining Critic is not really knowledgeable in all things culinary, but rather uses their vast experience of dining out as the only basis for their personality. Sure, the Critic may happen to know the new hot spot in town, but that does not make them a reviewer for Michelin. Still, the obnoxious Critic walks into a restaurant like Liberace in a long flowing fur coat, expecting a crowd to bow in their presence and kiss their rings. It’s not just the air of condescendence that floats around the enlarged head of the Critic, but it’s their actual actions that make the Critic loathed by every person on staff.
Here are some of the greatest hits from the Critic:
Who doesn’t love dining with the Critic, am I right?
Everything about the Critic makes dining with them intolerable. Here, they are putting their own self-pandering beliefs over the enjoyment of others. Whether the Critic is a good friend, coworker, or partner, their inability to get out of their own way and enjoy any aspect of dining out will chip away at any good qualities they may have. After all, it’s never proper to share every opinion you have rolling around your brain, screaming to get out, let alone when you know it won’t be well received. And don’t act like you don’t know a certain thought will land flat on its face either. You do. That’s why you did it. With that, it’s even more improper to reprimand a server for something they have zero knowledge or control (like the country of origin for a rare slice of beef).
When you find yourself dining with the Critic, I prefer a two-step method to combat their unmannerly ways. First, let them pick the restaurant. Since the Critic’s palette is much more advanced than your own, flip the tables onto them as the reservation holder. “Oh, you don’t like the brand of ketchup they’re serving? Well, you picked this place, not me!”
Secondly, regardless of your relationship to the Critic, the Critic must be made aware of how irritating they are to everyone around them—you, the other diners, the server, etc. If you have been following me, you know I love to be properly direct when it comes to dolling out mannerly advice, especially towards people who insist on always being right. Point out when they are acting inappropriately and call them on it at that moment. Something like, “Do you really think anyone knows which farm in Vermont this head of lettuce came from? Come on, stop with the quizzes and just enjoy the meal. You’re embarrassing both of us, and I’d like to dine here again.”
If anything, you may not stop them forever, but in the moment, you will be helping out every server in the business. As a former server myself, I thank you.
The simpler step-sibling to the Critic is the Quiz Master. I call the Quiz Master the naiver one because whereas the Critic only wants to ask innocuous questions they know will go unanswered, the Quiz Master has genuine inquiries. Like their obnoxious step-sibling, the Quiz Master will ask a myriad of questions—but not demands mind you—as if they’re putting the server on a game show. Sadly, the only prize in this contest is the headache caused by the frustrating antics of the Quiz Master.
Like the Critic, the Quiz Master may take the server into deep waters of the menu, yet not for their own amusement. The Quiz Master has a method to their madness, even though it’s annoying as all get out.
For example, the Quiz Master will likely ask the server’s recommendations, but not always go with that dish. Or, the Quiz Master will ask about random dietary issues, which, although they are important, tend to go beyond what any server—or chef—may know. Now, the Quiz Master must dissect the menu like a detective on SUV, looking for clues and hints as to what the descriptions of the dishes may be “hiding.” Then, after several rounds of inquisition, the Quiz Master needs “a little more time to decide,” which has now pushed the dining timetable back an hour.
Look, I’m not saying you can’t ask questions, especially when it comes to dietary restrictions, but the Quiz Master has to chill with their verbal Google Form. We’ve all asked questions about a dish, so we can’t shade the Quiz Master for a few of their normal hits, however, there comes a point when the Quiz Master’s games become a tremendous delay on everyone around them. I understand that you’re paying for service when you dine out, yet it’s rude to assume the server should be doing wind sprints back and forth to the kitchen to answer, “How roasted are the roasted sunflowers on the Caesar Salad really?”.
To properly work with the Quiz Master (you know what they say—teamwork makes the meal work), do your part to get ahead of their questions before the server has a chance to be bombarded. Before even dining with the Quiz Master, make light of the fact they always ask questions, because in this situation, their concerns do cause serious anxiety. Try something like, “Alright, so we know you don’t like fish or meat, so that’s half the menu to not worry about. Next, if they don’t list a particular side on the menu, then they don’t have them, and we’re not going to ask for any special treatment.”
Make them laugh at themselves, which allows the Quiz Master better settle their concerns early on. Also, when you gently point out their qualms, the Quiz Master will learn over time about how awkward their questions are to the server.
Along with getting ahead of the Quiz Master’s mentally-draining games, let the server know what they’re in for… with humor, of course. Try something like, “They have about ten more questions coming at you, so make sure you have enough ink in your pen. But don’t worry, we’ll take care of you, I promise.” This way, the server and the Quiz Master will be able to feel more comfortable with one another and not find the Quiz Master’s questions as aggressive (like the Critic). And yes, I did say to tell the waiter you will take care of them because all servers are tipped upon service (good and bad), and with a Quiz Master, you know the server will be putting in the extra effort to make the meal more enjoyable.
Whenever I go out in the city with my kids, they always laugh at me when I say hi to numerous people around town. They’ll always say something like, “Geez, Dad, you know everyone!” or “How often do you get coffee here that the dishwasher knows your name?” To that the answers are one, I do know a lot of people and two, when you drink as much coffee as I do, everyone knows your name. So, yes, you could say that I’m a proud regular of many establishments around my town and I take pride in their welcoming smiles when I arrive. Despite enjoying my frequent visits, the one thing I’ll never do is take my status as a regular to unmannerly levels and turn those smiles into frowns. The difference between being a Regular and an Unwelcomed Regular all comes down to how you treat the staff at the establishment, from the back of the kitchen to the front of house, and as you can guess, the Unwelcomed Regular falls short.
For example, a proper Regular sees the same people every time and says hello, thanks them as they deliver the meal, and overall just engages in light greetings with those around them for the few seconds it takes. The Unwelcomed Regular treats everyone from the busboy to the server as their own butler, with overbearing demands that are way above that individual’s pay grade. One example of the Unwelcomed Regular is illustrated by Jack Nicholson in the 1997 hit, As Good As It Gets, where his uncontrollable quirks made Helen Hunt’s character as a waitress and the rest of the staff squirm every time Jack came in. However, Jack’s character only wanted to be served by Helen, and despite her willingness to provide good service, it was never good enough for Jack. Finally, she hit her wall with Jack’s rude behavior and as a result, Jack was kicked out by the manager, despite his groveling to behave.
Sadly, there are many Jacks who act like jerks when it comes to respecting staff at a spot they regularly dine. So for this tip, whether you’re a Jack by choice or a Jack by mistake, I hope these observations shed some light on how to treat servers. First, unless you’re the owner (and even that’s bad) or an entitled family member of the owner (which is even worse), no one gets to treat a staff member like they work for them. Don’t think for one minute that your frequency means you get to make demands.
With that, don’t think just because the wait staff may not tell you to kick rocks to your face, like Jack’s character, every time you walk in they are praying they don’t have to deal with you. Don’t be fooled by their smiles or willingness to tolerate your habits either, because it’s their job to do so. In fact, if a server did speak up as Helen’s character did in the film, the Regular would probably act like the server was being rude (like Jack did).
Knowing all of this, if you are a Regular to any establishment, I beg of you to please treat the staff like friends rather than employees. The staff appreciates your business but they appreciate the business of the hundreds of other patrons. After all, you’re not the only regular they have, so drop the rudeness. Plus a true Regular is someone who is given perks due to their devotion, versus demanding them simply by being present. So, next time you want a great seat or a free refill, try an attitude with more sugar than salt.