I’ve enlisted a seasoned veteran of the wedding business – my mom.
It’s an honor to be invited to a coworker’s wedding, so make sure you don’t ruin their special day with your own quirks and insecurities.
Modern Manners Guy is hosted by Richie Frieman. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have an etiquette question? Email Richie at manners@quickanddirtytips.com.
Modern Manners Guy is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.
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Today’s episode of Modern Manners Guy is rather special one for me. First, I love talking about wedding and party etiquette, because it seems to be a topic that everyone stresses over. Secondly, to better assist me with offering the most proper advice possible, I’ve enlisted a seasoned veteran of the wedding business – my mom. Yup, Modern Manners Momma herself, Helene Parsons, from Hitched By Helene, has spent over four decades in the event space and has done every single event imaginable. With hundreds of weddings under her belt, I figured she’d be the best to offer some much needed advice.
So, before you polish off your dancing shoes and douse yourself in some good ol’ fashioned “smell good”, check my – um, I mean OUR – top 3 Ways to Ruin Your Coworker’s Wedding.
Buckle up, folks, they don’t call her “the Boss” for nothing.
Replying to someone’s wedding seems like something that shouldn’t have to cause such extreme drama in your life. In case you haven’t mastered RSVP’ing, I’ll break it down for you. First, you check your calendar for the wedding date (that takes five seconds), then unless you have another once-in-a-lifetime event on that same day, you check the little box on the card, then mail it back. Oh, and don’t worry, the envelope is already stamped so you’re good there too. And for the extra-lazy, a lot of RSVPs are online, so now you don’t have to get off your couch. Problem solved.
Yet, for whatever reason, some people still hem and haw about submitting their RSVP as if it’s some colossal debate that needs a team of consultants to oversee. Not only is it rude to late-reply (to anything, let alone a wedding), but it can also mess up the economics of the wedding planning as well. Helene says, “Weddings are very expensive and the couple may only be able to just add a few coworkers. Be thankful you are part of the ‘chosen ones’, so RSVP in a timely basis. They need their guest count and have no time to chase after the rude guests who have not responded in a timely basis.”
Mom with the mic drop.
Not surprisingly, Helene nails it. Getting a co-workers wedding invite is an honor and you should pay your respects promptly. Putting it off not only shows your lack of enthusiasm for the single most important day of your friend’s life but it may signify to them other doubts you have for the wedding. For example, your coworker may think you’re not so thrilled with their future spouse. Maybe it’s the travel needed? Maybe you don’t like the venue? I can hear some of you now, “Come on, MMG, that’s a little much?” Really? REALLY!?!
Trust me, if you don’t think your coworker (and their spouse) are thinking this, I’m here to tell you, you’re wrong. Like, big time wrong… big time, super-duper incorrect. I can speak to this because I felt that during my wedding with several guests. Along with that, I unfortunately had someone question why I didn’t respond at the time they expected me to. Yes, even Modern Manners Guy messes up and when this person asked me with great concern in their voice, I felt awful for not replying fast enough. Along with that, the worst part about the lazy-reply to a wedding for a coworker is that you see this person every single day. It’s one thing to try and avoid a response to an office happy hour but to completely dodge the RSVP to a coworker’s wedding? Sorry, folks, you can’t play forgetful for this one. If you don’t want to—or can’t—go, it’s always proper to let them know immediately. Worrying about how they’ll feel if you say “no” is a far second to having you hold up the entire party list.
I’m pretty sure if we took a poll of every single person alive, the majority would agree that going to a wedding alone is hardly as fun as it would be with a date. Sadly though, not everyone gets the plus one nod and there’s nothing you can do about it. As Helene said in Tip #1, not everyone made the A-List to begin with, so be happy you got this far.
Think about this way: is your last minute date—whose only role is to make you feel comfortable—really that important it warrants kicking out Aunt Joann just to make room? Sure, Aunt Joann is kind of a pain in the butt and will likely complain about the loud music the entire time but what are distant relatives good for other than to make your life miserable? All joking aside, it’s not your party, you’re not paying for it, and you don’t get to plan the details.
Helene says, “Weddings are expensive, so don’t pout if you can’t bring a plus one. If you are not engaged, married, or have a partner that the couple knows—forget that plus one. You never know—there could be another single guest there you can hook up with? Weddings are a great place to meet new singles.”
To make matters worse, it’s incredibly rude to mope around the office in protest, making your frustrations known. To accompany that point, you should never, EVER ask your coworker to make an exception. Talk about rude! What do you expect them to say? “Sure, Lynn, let me go right back to the fantastically-fun task of redoing the entire table seating chart, just so the guy you met off Bumble last week can join you.”
There’s an expression in business regarding corporate dress code: dress for the job you want, not the job you have. The opposite statement can be made for a wedding: dress for the wedding you’re attending, not the wedding you want. There’s no secret that the dress code for a wedding can add a myriad of stresses to the guests. Yes, I said for the guests.
It can be confusing: “Is black tie a bowtie or a tie?”
It can make you feel self-conscious: “Is this too tight? Is it too loose? Is it too much?”.
The dress code can be even be panic-inducing: “I literally have NOTHING to wear! Like all the stores in the world have stopped making nice clothes all of a sudden!”
Even though the expectations of a wedding outfit can cause stress acne, when it comes to a coworker’s wedding, simply be yourself. Helene says, “Dress appropriately; tuck in the cleavage, pull down the dress. Remember, the bride is the center of attention, not you! For the guys, please get out of those khakis and put on a suit. The wedding will be over soon.”
Unless you’re IN the wedding, no one will be looking at you. This is not the time to break out that tailored suit you felt you had to order or show off a dress you imported from Paris. Your coworkers know who you are and they aren’t expecting a grand entrance like Tom Hanks in the office party scene from Big. You can of course buy something new if you want to, but don’t feel like you must stand out. You’ll never see most of these people again and you’ll likely spend the night talking to your Monday through Friday crew who love you for you.