With all the contentment you have with your work friends, not everything should be widely discussed.
With all the time you spend at work, you tend to get comfortable around your peers, which can lead to talking more freely than you should. However, regardless of your friendly relationship with your coworkers, there are definite red flag conversations to avoid in the office.
Modern Manners Guy is hosted by Richie Frieman. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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When I was in college, I couldn’t wait to get out into the “real world,” where I could work on my career, hone my craft, and then hit a happy hour with my new-found teammates, just like I saw on TV. Yeah… that didn’t happen exactly as planned. But between the ups and downs of one’s career, the best jobs are the ones where you have good people around you, from 9-5, where coworkers become friends. We all have had special coworkers that make the days easier and more enjoyable, regardless of the stresses the office may bring. You know, the friend who you can openly tell how hungover you are on a Wednesday morning, without judgment. Or, the colleague who will cover for you when you “call out sick” but are really taking an extra day of “me time” at the beach. However, with all the contentment you have with your work friends, not everything should be widely discussed.
So before you open your circle of trust to the entire office, check out my 3 types of conversations to avoid in the office:
What better way to cause a clear divide in the office better than by discussing politics? Unless you work in politics, discussing anything regarding a political stance should be avoided like shaking hands with someone who just sneezed into their palm. Quick note for all of you who sneeze (or cough) into your hands – you’re gross. Seriously. The only proper technique is to turn away and into your arm/sleeve, like you’re Dracula covering his face. But I digress. Anyway, where was I? Oh, that’s right, I was talking about the single fastest way to lose friends in the office, talking about politics. The topic of politics is very hard to avoid these days because the wide net you cast about your political beliefs tend to gather other unwanted attention. It seems that everything from food prices, which school your kids go to, taxes, or how you plan to spend the holidays is up for the political blame game. No matter how well an argument may be on paper, there is never a winner in a political debate with coworkers. Ever! Like, centuries ago when people started to work in the same office together, everyone disagreed about their political views. So, how do you solve a problem like improperly discussing politics in the office? Well, the quick answer is you don’t. Yet, the quick and dirty answer needs a little more discussion.
One point I’d like to make before I detail my dream of no politics in the office, is encouraging HR—and the office as a whole—to openly discuss (and implement) initiatives around diversity and inclusion. Unfortunately, those topics can get tied to politics, however to build a cohesive team, you have to look past any prior beliefs that may cloud your judgment. The office place is a second home and making people feel comfortable in their own work environment, along with being more open to others in general, is something that should not need to be debated.
I used to work for the federal government and witnessed two different Presidents get elected during my tenure; one Republican and one Democrat. When this happened, the political appointees that had cushy jobs got switched out for new folks with that administration’s mission at hand, so I was used to working with both sides of the aisle so to say. With over 5,000 employees, it’s fair to say that not everyone saw eye to eye with the current administration but what could we do about it? We still had a job to do and that was that. Still, some people used their first amendment right to speak up about their political views. In every situation, it divided people, affected the workload, soured the overall mission, and altered the vibe of your coworkers to that outspoken person. When a political debate in the office occurs, you end up like a bunch of teenagers arguing the Selena Gomez vs Hailey Beiber issue (FYI, Team Selena all the way). And if you think that topic is a waste of time, then I promise you, discussing politics in the office is a subject that will make the Great Beiber Debate seem way more productive.
I don’t care if you work in an office of 5 or 5,000, nor does it matter if you’re coworkers are truly your best friends, when it comes to talking politics, friends become enemies within seconds. The proper way to handle this is to make it an office rule NOT to discuss politics and make the employees abide by it. I’m talking about from an HR level down. In the same way you can’t wear your, “They call me Fred Flintstone because I make your bed rock!” t-shirt to the office, not talking about politics should be equally engrained into the corporate handbook. If someone does begin to discuss something political call a quick audible, hold your hands up in surrender, and walk away. You do not have time to go down a rabbit hole of conspiracies or who did what and where and why with someone who already has their mind made up.
In a future episode, I’m going to discuss office dating etiquette and can’t wait to share it with you. Unless it’s discussing your views on The Bachelor finale, let’s just put a pin in the topic of examining your peers’ romantic relationships. Before I go, yes, it’s perfectly acceptable to confide in those around you who will not criticize your romantic life. We have all had one or a very select few who we’ve let into our personal decisions and that’s a healthy relationship to have with a coworker of that caliber. I have not only done this myself, but I highly encourage that to help you throughout your career. But those are the trusted ones with no ulterior motives other than being a shoulder to lean on. So, when it comes to those coworkers outside of your trusted bubble, do not engage in office dating topics about anyone else. It’s rude to assume anything at all about someone, let alone make it a topic of discussion at the water cooler. It’s inappropriate to “joke around” about the topic with someone as well. Believe me, no one—not even the most laid-back person—will enjoy their romantic life being a laughing matter or something to be handled with poor sarcasm.
There’s no secret that finding that special someone can be difficult. I mean, if was easy, then we’d never have Hallmark movies or romcoms. As I mentioned, not everyone feels comfortable discussing their personal life at work nor should they have to. The only way to really engage with someone about their personal life is on two occasions.
First, if someone has photos on their desk or even on the lock screen, which you happen to see it, chances are that’s open territory. Start off with, “You have such a beautiful family!” and then see if they want to go into further detail. If they welcome it, feel free to inquire with very surface-level questions. On the other hand, if they reply with, “Thanks…” then you should skip to the next topic.
The second way is if someone brings up their personal life to you. For example, if someone says, “My spouse and I went to dinner last night,” then—and only then—can you inquire. Never assume anyone is married, dating, or simply on a break (Friends reference anyone?). Still, in every situation, discussing relationships has hard boundaries, and you should never ask for more details than someone is willing to give. To that point, absolutely never, ever make it your mission to uncover the truth behind why someone doesn’t want to discuss their personal life. No one wants to be quizzed about their dating life and thinking you need to play therapist or matchmaker is a surefire way to end up in HR.
Everyone has been denied a promotion for a position they truly believed they deserved. In many cases, people around the office also considered said person fit for the role. “It’s a slam dunk!”… “I can’t wait to work with you in the new job!”… or, “They’d be fools to give it to someone else!” I was that overlooked person on several occasions. The only way you’ve nailed every promotion is if your parents happen to be the bosses and your corner office has been prepped for you since birth. Other than good ol’ office nepotism (which I will be touching on in a future episode), in most situations, there is usually more than one person an employer has in mind and you may not agree with their choice. To that point, the last thing you want to do is announce to everyone who you believe should get the role. Why is this? Well, for one—and really the only reason needed—the person you may be rooting against, may just so happen to be the one you call boss. So, the last thing you need is for your new boss to believe you already think they’re unqualified. That’s a hard one to back peddle.
Keeping in mind that your boss will probably not send out a Survey Monkey for the office opinions, your outspokenness will do nothing for your career. In fact, it may even damage your candidate’s reputation as well. Even if your best friend, who you’ve known since kindergarten and graduated top of their class, who has worked at the company for ten years, should get the promotion but doesn’t, it’s rude to rally the troops for them. When a promotion is awarded, the battle is over. One person stands above the rest and whether you agree with that decision or not, it’s extremely rude to huff and puff about the result. Rather than create a trail of negativity around the office, simply take the L and move on. Maybe the right person was in fact overlooked and maybe your boss did make the wrong call, but the only way you get a say in the matter is when you’re the one doing the hiring. Until that time, keep your head up, don’t make a scene, put on a happy face of encouragement… then update your resume.