The best part about golf is even if your average score is higher than Einstein’s IQ (like mine), you fit right in if you just play along with your team and don’t cause a major distraction.
Golf can be a great way to gather with your friends for several hours of fun, relaxation, and exercise. Sadly, that won’t happen if you bring one of the three worst golfers on Earth with you who make every hole feel like pure torture thanks to their rude antics.
Modern Manners Guy is hosted by Richie Frieman. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have an etiquette question? Email Richie at manners@quickanddirtytips.com.
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The irony of my work as Modern Manners Guy is that while I preach all things mannerly and abide by the rule of “don’t be a jerk,” I don’t subscribe to all things hoity-toity, which most people attach the idea of etiquette towards. While I do love a great black tie event, a nicer-than-Sizzler-style restaurant, and gladly put myself in the category of being a well-dressed man, not all things of the ultra-elite pique my interest.
Another area that tends to fall in the “stuck up” category is the world of golf, which although is meant to be a fun time with friends, has a very tight world of etiquette you must follow. From what you have to wear, how to act with fellow players, and honoring the proper flow of the game, I fully respect the rules of golf, even if it seems to be a little stuffy on the exterior.
The best part about golf is even if your average score is higher than Einstein’s IQ (like mine), you fit right in if you just play along with your team and don’t cause a major distraction. However, you can be one of the worst individuals to go 18 holes with if you go against the grain of golf. With that, before you “grip it and rip it”, check out my list of 3 of the worst types of golfers.
Author and self-proclaimed “America's Worst Avid Golfer” Angelo Spagnolo once said, “I don’t let birdies and pars get in the way of having a good time.” My man! Now, this is a guy I can golf with. Angelo has the proper spirit when it comes to playing golf (or any other recreational sport for that matter)—don’t let the bad parts of the game ruin the bigger purpose for playing: having fun.
Even though Angelo has played tons of golf clubs across the country, he has probably come across a fellow golfer who would love to tell him—and anyone else around the clubhouse—how many more they have played. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the Traveler. See, when you golf with the Traveler, they care more about the numbers racking up on their credit card than their scoresheet. To the Traveler, it’s about where you’ve played and they even have the receipts to prove it… by flexing the $85 visor they purchased.
The Traveler treats their golf career like some hipster college kid on a gap year, traipsing across Europe only to brag about all the amazing places they got to visit, and how you should have been there. Like that annoying world traveler whose passport looks like a toddler went wild with an ink stamper, the golf Traveler can’t go one hole without reminding everyone around them that this particular course is nothing compared to one in Arizona or California or Scotland or Canada or whatever place you have never been. But even if you dare say you’ve been there too, the Traveler will just tell you the day they played was the best time of year.
Like other egotistical people, their entire personality depends on how others react to their claims to fame. Whether the Traveler is overtly bragging about dropping a thousand dollars on quarter zips and vests at a certain course or just makes snide remarks, just remember they are doing that for you (and anyone else in an ear’s distance).
One of the most ironic traits of the Traveler is that just because they spent years course-hopping across the globe doesn’t necessarily mean they’re very good. This part of the conceited Traveler persona irks me to no end because it proves the point that you can’t buy skill… no matter how many courses you visit. I mean, you would think with the Traveler telling you how much money they’ve spent on rounds at these top courses that they would be a scratch golfer, right? Not always. And when the Traveler is having an “off day,” don’t worry, it’s not their fault—it’s because of their back from a previous round last week. Riiiiight. Please… it’s always because of their back. Always.
As I’ve said before, the best way to rub someone’s face in a giant plate of humble pie is to beat them at their game. Take no mercy folks, and bring on the pain like you’re Happy Gilmore and the Traveler is Shooter McGavin. After all, nothing shoots down a braggart faster than someone who can outperform them.
Second, just let the Traveler talk. Yes, it’s annoying, but if you ignore them, they’ll slow it down to a manageable dose, without you having to tell them to shut up—properly of course. By allowing them to blab away about their last trip to Scotland, you don’t have to have an awkward confrontation on the course by going jab for jab to compete with their claims.
Now for the upside of having to tolerate the Traveler. Sure you can find them annoying, but there is a reason you’re playing with them, so do your best to overlook their insecurity by asking for a hook-up. I mean, for someone who has played everywhere and “done it all,” I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you tagged along, right? With golf, many courses require you to belong to that club or another club of the same caliber or have a connection to something a particular club deems important (usually a company). So, if the Traveler wants to brag about where they’re going next, see if you can tag along… just bring AirPods to drown out their annoying stories.
The legendary rocker—and avid golfer—Alice Cooper once said this about golf: “Mistakes are part of the game. It’s how well you recover from them, that’s the mark of a great player.” Cooper nails a fantastic point about showing how someone handles loss, frustration, and failure with class—it’s the true mark of a well-mannered individual. Keep in mind, this is coming from a guy who was once considered a devil worshiper (or even accused of being Satan himself). So if the darkest of personalities knows you have to control your emotions on a golf course, then surely everyone can. Well, not so much. Allow me to introduce you to the Rager. The Rager is present in every competitive activity from golf to corn hole at a backyard BBQ, and is likely someone who doesn’t let little kids score a basket in a game of basketball in the driveway.
Even though the Rager is the one you can count on to ruin the fun for any event, nothing gets the Rager more enraged than golf. Now, I will say that golf is unlike any other sport in the world in that it truly does test the blood pressure of even the calmest person. But the Rager blows a gasket from the first swing and carries that same obnoxious energy to every hole. The Rager will curse at each shot, smash their club on the ground, and usually wash down the previous hole’s failure with enough alcohol to rival a fraternity president at a homecoming weekend tailgate.
When golfing with the Rager, there are two things you need to do to properly handle their steroid-esque tantrums. First—and most importantly—you can’t let the Rager rattle the rest of the players on the round. For starters, golf is NOT cheap and the last thing any level of golfer wants is to throw hundreds of dollars on a bad day because some psycho blames their golf club for their awful slice. Yeah, it’s the golf club’s fault, sure, whatever you say, you lunatic.
To ensure that the Rager doesn’t suck all the energy out of a good day, have a little sidebar about the antics when in the golf cart with them. Whoever is partnered with the Rager must take the lead on this one, since they’re also likely the friendliest. This friend has to let the Rager know they’re a little much and to chill out. Say this kindly, mind you, and with decency, but this is a solid friend-to-friend kind of conversation. This friend can empathize with the Rager and feel for their frustration but their temper is a distraction. It’s also fair to mention that if the Course Marshal sees their antics, they could be asked to leave.
Secondly, as I always recommend, bring in the humor factor. For example, one seasoned golfer friend of mine said that they made their Rager put in five dollars every time they flipped out. Like, “Alright, Walt, that’s another $5. You know you can’t crack your club over your knee like that. Your total is now $65, by the way.” Over time, the Rager will begin to even poke fun at themselves. If they don’t, well at least the Rager’s rude antics will pay for your lunch.
Folks, unless you’re on the PGA tour, you look like a complete fool when you erupt over every swing like it’s the back nine of the Master’s.
Mark Twain once said, “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” Even if the worst kind of weather will damper a good day on the course, nothing will crush the spirits of a golf game like the Not-A-Comedian, with one terrible one-liner after another. As someone who makes a living properly mocking rude people for their unmannerly behavior, I take my role as a satirist very seriously. I try very hard to walk the fine line between “we’re all just here to have some innocent fun” and “that’s kinda harsh.” With that, I like to think the most aggressively rude people rightfully deserve the more severe sarcastic zingers, however, humor is all about tact to land the joke properly. Sadly, too many people think they’re destined for the bright lights of a comedy club and think everything is a chance to make a joke. Even if you don’t laugh (most likely you won’t), don’t worry, the Not-A-Comedian will. I can’t stand this type of person, let alone when you’re playing golf, where concentration is key.
Whereas most golfers look at the plush green course with a sigh of relief for a day off of work or family obligations, the Not-A-Comedian sees an open mic night. Someone was late? Well, the Not-A-Comedian will continue to bring it up. Someone had a bad shot, they’ll remind them on the next hole with some lame joke that no one laughed at the first time. Even worse, the Not-A-Comedian will even make noises when a person swings, like shouting, “Bababooey”, “Way off!”, or “That’s a slicer!” It doesn’t help that the Not-A-Comedian is usually the heaviest drinker out of the group as well. God bless the innocent, young bev-cart worker who has to fake a smile and put on their best pretend laugh to appease the Not-A-Comedian for a good tip.
Regardless if the Not-A-Comedian is your best friend, family member, or coworker, you cannot let the Not-A-Comedian go on a roll. See, we all know the Not-A-Comedian’s actions before they happen. We know they love the attention, and we know they’re relentless with their attempts to entertain the group. I had to play a round with a Not-A-Comedian, which the other players in my group have known for years, and as a united force, we decided to turn the tables on him. How did we do that? Well, we made sure to send some solid—well mannered—lines of our own their way to let the Not-A-Comedian know they aren’t the only ones with jokes. This is the only way you’ll get around the Not-A-Comedian’s antics without having to cause any riffs in the golf group.
See, like a bully, who will keep pushing you around until you stand up for yourself, the Not-A-Comedian needs to know they’ve met their match if you have any intentions of enjoying a round of golf in peace. Plus, if they are really “so funny,” they should appreciate the group’s take on comedy. If they’re a true friend, they’ll fall in line and keep the mocking to a minimum. Well, until someone shoots a monster slice into the woods on hole 18 that costs them the game. Oh, the sweet life of a golfer.
Don’t worry, you’ll be back next weekend for the same torture.
Are you a golfer who had to play a round with an annoyingly rude player? Please, send me an email at manners@quickanddirtytips.com, or find me on LinkedIn. I’d love to hear your war stories.