Before you charge the kitchen, with your aggressive shake-n-bake, and land a body bag shot to your opponent, check out my list of 3 of the worst pickleball players.
Who would have thought a game that looks like it was invented by college kids after an all-night bender would become a worldwide phenomenon? And like all sports, some of the athletes can’t control their inner weirdo when it comes to some friendly competition.
Modern Manners Guy is hosted by Richie Frieman. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have an etiquette question? Email Richie at manners@quickanddirtytips.com.
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In my tenure as Modern Manners Guy, I like to think that the majority of my episodes keep Mannerly Nation on the same side when it comes to all things proper. However, there are outliers, like Rude Sports Parents who believe my take on a rude person’s behavior is a little… harsh.
To that point, I’m pretty sure this episode will be the harshest divide in Mannerly Nation since I began life as Modern Manners Guy. So what’s the topic to finally break the divide in my dedicated audience? Pickleball. Yup, you heard me—pickleball! This worldwide phenomenon that went from the driveway to ESPN, with professional teams owned by the likes of Lebron James, would be the one topic that would create the most dialogue between even my own circle of friends.
As with all sports, not everyone plays nicely with others, but we can’t let the improper competitors out there ruin the fun for all of us. So, before you charge the kitchen, with your aggressive shake-n-bake, and land a body bag shot to your opponent, check out my list of 3 of the worst pickleball players.
On paper, pickleball seems easy. The name sounds like it was created by a group of six-year-olds, the noise of the ball is annoying, the terminology is bizarre at best, and the court looks like it was designed by Fisher-Price. Despite all the quirks that pickleball brings, the joy of the game has catapulted this sport to the top of the mountain as the desired recreational activity outside. With the evolution of pickleball in the mainstream, I can speak from firsthand experience that pickleball is surprisingly sneaky in its ability to fool any level of athleticism. As a result, the “fun” of trying something new turns the most experienced athlete into a Negative Newbie who can’t handle the truth about pickleball. Unlike other sports such as golf, bowling, or the varsity-cool-kid version of pickleball—tennis—pickleball failures bring out something deeply aggressive in the Negative Newbie, which will spoil the vibe faster than you can say “Nasty Nelson.”
While everyone is a newbie at the beginning, being green comes in different levels of freshness. For example, you have a newbie who is naturally athletic and therefore takes to a new sport rather easily. Then, you have someone who is in the middle-ground of newbieism where that person may not be great but they’re going to try their hardest and are eager to learn more. Lastly, you have the newbie that looks like a toddler trying to walk for the first time, only to fall down crying, calling it a day, taking their ball, and going home. The latter is by far the most annoying to play with because it will slow down the game and make for an embarrassingly awkward match. With pickleball, however, I’ve found that whatever level you are in the triad of newbieism, a Negative Newbie allows their improper behavior to ripple through the dozens of pickleball courts jammed together like teenagers at a Taylor Swift concert.
The Negative Newbie can be tricky—they won’t appear like they’ll be the kind of lunatic to slam their paddle on the ground and yell a four-letter word, but pickleball just does that to people. Whether it’s out of one’s personal inability to hit a whiffle ball six feet over a net, resulting in getting pickled, a pickleball newbie can easily get their cult invite revoked by not following proper pickleball etiquette. Aside from the goofiness of pickleball, there is a code of conduct and as with any sport you must abide by those rules—regardless of how good you are at the game. With pickleball, the courts are so close that everyone hears and sees what’s going on around them. So when the Negative Newbie slams their paddle on the ground like Thor’s hammer, it bothers the others around them. When the Negative Newbie lunges for a ball they can’t get and it shoots into the other person’s court, it stops that game too. Believe me, folks, I’ve seen a collection of twenty pickleball courts all turn on one person when a Negative Newbie doesn’t follow the etiquette of the court… and it’s not pretty.
In the end, the moment a Negative Newbie starts to erupt with frustration, it’s the more seasoned player’s job to stop their behavior immediately. Pull them aside and explain the rules better, offer tips, and yes, go easy. Sure, it’s about winning and getting a good workout, but the Negative Newbie you are with is a reflection of you, so do your best to stop the Negative Newbie’s tantrums from erupting.
Every sport has a certain level of exclusive imagery for its athletes. Whether it’s the high-end clothing brand, overly expensive equipment, or a ridiculous gym bag (that looks like it costs more than a semester of college), being the Elitist on the pickleball court is something more often seen than not. I’ve played sports my entire life, from the top 1% of golf and crew, to, well, the backwoods hillbilly styles of professional wrestling, and every rung of the ladder in between. So, when it comes to being an elitist in pickleball, I have to admit, I’m still scratching my head on this one. For starters, pickleball only really gained traction in the mainstream over the past few years, yet the snobbery of branding for Pickleball has taken a Kardasian-esque meteoric rise to the top of all other recreational sports. I mean the whiny little brother of tennis that is racquetball has been around for decades, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen some kid wearing a racquetball brand shirt casually like they do with pickleball. Poor racquetball.
Yet, with pickleball, people walk onto the court as if it’s the Met Gala of sporting events. Move over celebrities wearing six-figure watches at the US Open, Gary has a starched polo and a pickleball paddle that were both handcrafted in Italy, one delicate stitch at a time. A pickleball Elitist wants to make everyone know they are an expert at pickleball. They will shout terms you’ve never heard (which I had to look up for this episode), argue every call like John McEnroe, or blame the paving of the court’s concrete on a bad bounce. From head to toe, Gary is dressed and acts as if the next words coming from his mouth is, “Someone fetch me a Negroni, ASAP!”
When dealing with the pickleball Elitist, there’s a saying from the action movie The Kingsman that comes to mind: “Manners maketh the man.” It doesn’t matter how you dress, or how expensive your gadgets are, it’s how you conduct yourself. With that, when it comes to handling the pickleball Elitist (or any other sport elitist), the best way to shut their obnoxiousness down is not to get sucked into their materialistic world. After all, in sports, it's all about performance as to who gets their hand raised in the end.
The easiest—and most proper—way to shut the Elitist down is to not fuel their ego with oohs and aahs. An elitist will openly tell you how much something costs (even though you didn’t ask), with their whole personality hanging on how impressed you are with their purchases. Don’t do it. Let them know you’re not captivated by their fancy gear. You don’t have to be rude but rather give a courteous, “Nice… Good stuff… Cool…” and nothing more. So while they’re trying to flex on the $200 shoelaces that allow for more movement, try and keep your laughter internal because you know they need your admiration for their validation.
This technique will not only drive the Elitist crazy, but it will also help throw them off their game in your favor, which leads me to the next issue—showing the Elitist up. The only thing worse than not falling into the gluttonous trap of an elitist is beating them at their own game. So, if you really want to save the world from this particular narcissist, take the Elitist down a notch by hitting a rocket tweener past their designer sneakers for the win.
You know what’s more awkward than watching someone yell at their own performance during an athletic event? Watching that same person yell at their spouse who is their teammate during an athletic event. But you know what’s even more awkward than watching that? Watching the same couple as pickleball partners shout things like, “Nice fly swatter! Why don’t you just give them the ball instead of hitting into the net and costing us a point!” These pickleball terms make the whole sport even more hilarious.
For the record, I hate watching couples fight in public, but it’s inevitable. Yes, you’re going to lose your cool from time to time with your partner—regardless of the location—but whenever I witness couples arguing in real time, I wish for them that you could go back in time for a redo. Yet, there is the standard bickering of “No, I said turn right! Right! Not left!” and then there are the Ultra-Competitive Couples who treat even a coin toss like it’s an Olympic competition. Maybe it’s the close proximity to one another on a pickleball court or that the Ultra-Competitive Couple has dominated their country club’s tennis league for the last five summers, but when the Ultra-Competitive Couple walks onto the pickleball court, there are no more friends—on either side of the net. Oh, don’t you dare say you’re playing “just for fun.” Fun?!?! Really? The Ultra-Competitive Couple did not come here for fun… they came for blood.
The Ultra-Competitive Couple usually embodies the Elitist mindset in most aspects of their lives but brings the volume up to eleven when it comes to sports, and I hate being a part of their uncomfortable interactions. Despite my wife being a fantastic athlete, I don’t remember the last time we were a team in anything athletic outside of ping pong in our basement. It’s not that we don’t trust one another to “bring it,” but I have witnessed Ultra-Competitive Couples over the years and vowed to never be like them.
Historically, the Ultra-Competitive Couple is the first to complain, the first to pout, and the last one to accept a loss. In fact, I’ll take my point even higher to the idea that demeanor should be the backbone of any sporting event. Ever heard of playing with class? The Ultra-Competitive Couple hasn’t. They make everyone uncomfortable, make the game all about them, and as a result, become the topic of gossip amongst the other players.
So, how do you handle the Ultra-Competitive Couple who see every pickleball doubles match like an episode of Game of Thrones? Well, like Jon Snow, you stand your ground and fight. In sports, there are two rules when it comes to being a proper opponent. First, if you’re playing against kids, you always let them win. I mean, that’s just human nature, let alone not being a colossal jerk by taking joy in crushing a ten-year-old. The second—and similar to handling the Elitist—is to do what you can to knock down the ego of your opponent. Now, some of you may say that’s harsh, but I disagree because it’s people like the Ultra-Competitive Couple who destroy the concept of competition in general with their childish behavior.
If you happen to come across an Ultra-Competitive Couple, do your best to demolish their egos with every spike, slam, and lettuce you can muster. Consider it your job to keep the pickleball integrity intact. Yes, do it for the pickleball community! And if the Ultra-Competitive Couple invites you to play, when you know their reputation, I highly recommend you properly bow out of their invitation and search for a much more mannerly couple to play.
Are you a Negative Newbie who disagrees with my take? Please, send me an email at manners@quickanddirtytips.com, or find me on LinkedIn. I’d love to hear your take on the proper way to handle a tense pickleball game.