During football season, you can’t go 24 hours without hearing someone in or around your social circle talk about fantasy football as if they really are an NFL coach.
You would think the word “fantasy” in fantasy sports would allow everyone to chill out a bit when it comes to preparing their various teams… but you’d be wrong. Very wrong.
Modern Manners Guy is hosted by Richie Frieman. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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I’ve said this before and I believe for this episode, it bears repeating: once I became a pro wrestler, I lost all right to make fun of someone’s unorthodox hobbies. Keeping that in mind, I know it’s somewhat odd for me to criticize anyone for taking something with the word fantasy in it so seriously. But let’s put that aside for the time being because, folks, there are some bizarrely rude fantasy football players that need a mannerly punt in the butt.
If you’re a football fan, the countdown to the next NFL season starts when the last second ticks off the clock in the Super Bowl. Fast forward several months and football is back in full force. As these supreme beings of freakish abilities step out of their luxury cars and onto the gridiron for training camp, there is another sort of preparation occurring off the field—fantasy football. Even if you’re not a football fan, you can’t escape the world of fantasy football in our culture. In fact, I will argue that during football season, you can’t go 24 hours without hearing someone in or around your social circle talk about fantasy football as if they really are an NFL coach.
So, before you end up having to sit in a Waffle House for 24 hours because you came in dead last in your fantasy league, check out my list of 3 of the rudest fantasy football players.
Let’s kick off this list with the most extreme fantasy psychopath: the Instigator. The Instigator is the one person who has roid rage of the mouth with their constant instigation of fights, taunting, and arguments, and enough in-your-face tactics to warrant an actual NFL suspension. Every Fantasy Football group has the Instigator and everyone in the league fears having to play them. Ironically though, when it’s not your turn to play the Instigator, it’s rather entertaining to see other players squirm. The deranged Instigator is 100% convinced their mind games and expletive-filled mocking of their weekly opponent will somehow give them an advantage over their competition. Sadly, not only is the Instigator the rudest person in the league, but they’re usually not the brightest when you consider that it’s fantasy and no one in your group actually plays in the NFL. I mean, I’m all about a competitive edge to rattle someone’s cage during an athletic event, but the Instigator’s antics change NOTHING about their opponent’s ability to select players on a computer. Still, that doesn’t stop the Instigator from fighting the unmannerly fight with rants that would make any crazy ex look normal.
One real-life example of the Instigator going way too far is with Ben from New Jersey, whose frenemy Jeremy escalated his unnecessary “mind games” from the members of the league to actually include Ben’s office. Jeremy used to work with Ben, so he still had all the contacts, and when it came time to light some fire under Ben in the non-existent battle, Jeremy used his former coworkers as his supporting cast. One morning when Ben logged onto his email, he saw a wild chain of a meme showing Ben as a gnat that Jeremy dressed as a cowboy, squashing Ben’s face into a pile of feces. And not the poop emoji—I’m talking like a Google image of poop. Or, I hope it was a Google image. Keep in mind, no one in the office participated in the fantasy league other than Ben, nor do they even talk to Jeremy any longer. Regardless, the impact was more embarrassing than enraging and Ben did not take the bait. He did, however, lay into Jeremy and the league commissioner as retribution.
Sadly, this was Jeremy’s MO when it came to how he played the game, but affecting Ben’s job was not in the playbook. Long story short, Jeremy was forced to forfeit that week to Ben and was not invited back to the league. Guess some people can’t handle life in the big leagues like a gentleman, Jer.
When there is an instigator like our buddy Jeremy in your group, you have to put a stop to it ASAP. First of all, it’s not real and no level of taunting is going to throw off someone’s game. All the Instigator does is clog up their opponent’s phone with texts or emails with garbage that is quickly sent to the trash. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about having some fun and joking with people. In fact, teasing your friends with some witty banter makes not only fantasy football more fun, but life in general as well. Ben’s commissioner nailed it as the proper way to deal with instigators: first, lay into them for how erratic they’re acting and see if that works. Everyone deserves at least one strike—but that’s it. If someone continues to be a constant nuisance, it takes the fun away. And if you think there may be a Jeremy in your group getting ready to break out of their instigating shell come September, I recommend laying down some ground rules during the draft. Set the stage early that even if there is money on the line, it’s not meant to alter the other players’ livelihoods.
And rule number one? Don’t be a Jeremy.
You know what’s worse than playing a pretend game with people who can’t act like adults… grown-ups who complain about every aspect of the league, on repeat, like little kids on the playground. Like the Instigator, the Complainer is always making a big deal about absolutely nothing and blaming other players for the Complainer’s own bad luck. You know like the Complainer’s running back pulling a hamstring somehow has to do with his opponent’s team having no injured players that week.
Even more annoying is the Complainer can’t keep their whining to themselves. The Complainer insists on making their feelings known on a weekly basis as if there is some gigantic conspiracy theory against their team. They’ll gripe about some minuscule rule on page 645 of the Fantasy Football Handbook that no one has ever read. And it’s one thing to be a Debbie Downer behind the scenes, but when you take it to the rest of the team, it ruins the vibe.
Not to mention, the Complainer is now the topic of every conversation, with the rest of the players having to babysit the Complainer’s feelings.
So how do you handle the immature and rude behavior of the Complainer? Well, as much as I don’t like mocking anyone for their quirks, the Complainer must be addressed regarding their behavior, by way of a proper gang-up. Keep in mind, this is not an aggressive manner but rather a humorous one. For instance, two years ago I had an epic Complainer in our league who sucked all the enjoyment out of the game, like finding a long strain of hair at the bottom of your dish after you already ate most of it. Gosh, I get chills thinking about that. So, when our Complainer started to beg for attention like a toddler throwing a wild temper tantrum to avoid going to bed, dealing with the Complainer became an all-hands-on-deck offense of letting the Complainer know they’re ruining the league.
The commissioner reached out with a very kind email that explained only the Commissioner calls the shots. Arguing is more worthless than a whack-job sports parent yelling at the referee for a bad call in a U10 soccer game. Also, the Commissioner even asked the Complainer’s brother, who was also in the league, to pull the Complainer aside. The gentle nudging to the Complainer didn’t stop there. Additionally, every week, each person sent the Complainer a playful text teasing their immature antics to get ahead of the possible grouchiness. For example, one friend said, “Look, bud I had my lawyer read all of the rules twice and I believe we’re all set to go. No need to chime in. Oh, and I also bought a voodoo doll of your starting quarterback this week and my kids are poking holes in his legs and arms every hour.” Keep in mind, this is not you being childish in a response like this, but rather a friendly way to tell someone they’re being obnoxiously rude. Whether it’s a friend or just some random player brought into the league, it’s a team effort to make sure the season runs without any easy-to-avoid hiccups, like the Complainer.
Grow up, Complainer. It’s a GAME!
In every Fantasy Football league, there is at least one participant who tries to work out enough backroom deals that it would convince Tony Soprano to make that player a made-man. The Shady One comes in all shapes and sizes in the world of Fantasy Football. First, you have the one who takes a “win at all costs” mentality towards their playing. When caught or even accused of sketchy activity, this rude player will play strong defense when approached, not backing down from their actions, even proud of their antics. This player will say something like, “I want to win and I’ll do what I need to get over on the competition.”
Gosh, the idiotic ego of some people is beyond me.
You also get the low man on the totem pole who breaks out their shady card as one last-ditch effort to take at least second to last place to avoid the embarrassing tradition of a loser bet. Like the mafia vibe of fantasy sports shadiness, the low man is like a rat who turns state just to save their own butt and doesn’t care about who they ruin along the way. They’ll make crazy trades or silly moves that no person would make to win, all to help someone else and survive one more day.
These situations all come down to collusion. Yes, collusion… you know, like the term used to describe nine-figure stock trades or selling arms to foreign countries. But of all things devious in Fantasy Football, nothing is worse when it comes to collusion than when committed by the league commissioner. Sure, Dave may be a standup guy you all trusted to ensure honesty and consistency in the league as the commissioner, but when Dave’s back is to the wall, even the commissioner feels the itch to flip.
When you encounter a Shady One in your fantasy football league, the first thing you do is write an email to the entire league stating what’s going on and then remove yourself from the league after the season. Hopefully, you win and take the wind out of their pirate sails, but even if you don’t claim victory, you must realize this group is not one you want to spend your energy on. I have always found if there is one shady operator, there are likely two, and most times even more than that who have yet to be exposed.
So, sure, it’s fantasy and at the end of the day it’s not a real sport that will affect your life forever, but no one wants to waste their time with people who can’t even make playing pretend a fair playing field.