Even a three-star Michelin-rated dining experience can be ruined by a gross diner who gives more icks than said restaurant has likes on social media.
Even a three-star Michelin-rated dining experience can be ruined by a gross diner who gives more icks than said restaurant has likes on social media.
Modern Manners Guy is hosted by Richie Frieman. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have an etiquette question? Email Richie at manners@quickanddirtytips.com.
Modern Manners Guy is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.
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We all know the term ick, used to describe something rather disgusting that becomes an ultimate turnoff; clothing, attitude, commitment issues, or for the sake of this episode, nauseating dining icks. For example, an ick in the office would be like having to cube-share with someone who smells like they use onions for deodorant. Or, a relationship ick is when on a first date, the person decides to serenade you with karaoke and rips off their shirt while singing the chorus to Vampire by Olivia Rodrigo. Bottom line, icks tend to be go-to gut reactions that serve as messages from our brain telling us to run for the hills. With that, nothing is worse than the ick of sitting across from someone during a meal and their dining habits resemble a toddler just learning how to hold utensils.
I’ve covered rude dining habits before but have yet to address key icks that have raised more red flags than when your friend tells you, “No, it’s okay to date, we’re second cousins.”
Granted I love this topic but it turns out, not as much as Mannerly Nation enjoys it! My inbox has been overflowing with fantastically awkward stories of dining icks. Some of the topics I’ll discuss will seem basic, dare I say even elementary, but apparently, many people need a refresher – and I’m happy to help. So, before you yell, “Check please!” because your date would rather use their hand as a napkin versus the real one on the table, check out my list of 3 of the Rudest Dining Icks.
Okay, I have to say this first; can we all agree that this ick should be a no-brainer? I mean, I’ll go into others but come on, folks, chewing with your mouth open…as an adult? Well, this is why they pay me in cups of coffee, so let’s roll up our sleeves and get into it.
Chewing with your mouth closed is the first thing parents yell at their kids when eating at the table. In fact, as a very proud father of two, I can tell you that reminding my kids daily to chew with their mouths closed has become such a needed reminder, I’m thinking of getting a face tattoo that reads just that. Not that I’m a big fan of face tattoos but I’m about another “PLEASE CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED!” away from at least writing it with a Sharpie across my forehead. I like to think that over time – and via constant shouting – kids begin to pick up on the importance of eating with your mouth closed, however, the ones that don’t turn into adults that don’t. Now, we have a greater problem at hand because adults who chew with their mouths open are a lot harder to fix, but as a dedicated manners expert, I will not give up on anyone when it comes to living a more mannerly life.
I don’t care if you bought a new outfit, had reservations for months, and are dazzled by the shiny Michelin stars of a restaurant, no other ick will ruin the experience faster than someone chewing with their mouth open, like a beagle devouring dry food. And when this happens you want to scream like a mad person because chewing with your mouth open – although being the Master of the Universe when it comes to dining icks – is the one dining habit that is the most manageable; keep your mouth closed. That’s it! Done. So, what do you do when you’re losing your meal before it even starts? Well, like I mentioned before about my kids, take it back to square one.
Seeing that the person dining with you resembles Grandpa Simpson gumming down a rubbery steak, the best way to help them get rid of this ick, and make your current situation more manageable, is for you to go over the top with your proper gestures. For example, make a conscious note to either place your hand (not touching your mouth) or napkin over your mouth as you swallow. Then say, “Sorry, I wanted to swallow first. Okay, as I was saying…” Here you’re showing them how it’s done like you would with a toddler. This step and language should be repeated as much as possible. In fact, go out of your way to over-engage this way.
Another good trick is to use someone else in the restaurant as an example. Now, hear me out, I'm by no means saying you should poke fun at people but in this situation, you’re using them for a very key demonstration. Like, “Oh gosh, that guy was talking with his mouth full and just dropped a big piece onto his shirt. That’ll need to be dry cleaned!”
Yes, you’ll have to play it up a bit but hopefully, the person will get the message. If it’s your close friend, family member, or partner you must be blunt. But in common engagements, that may not always be the case and it will take a little creative nudging to keep the Open Mouth Chewer ick at bay…well, at least for the time being.
In the 1990 blockbuster, Edward Scissorhands, Edward struggles with using his razor-sharp clippers to live in a normal human world. As you can guess, Edward’s clumsy ways aren’t accepted by everyone and he fumbles around to find his way. Now, it’s fair to say that a man with shears for fingers will likely have trouble with holding a fork but you’d be surprised how much better Mr. Scissorhands is than most able-bodied humans when dining. It doesn’t matter if you have studied dining etiquette at the highest universities or made a career out of satirical observations about rude people (ahem), there is no excuse as to why you can’t master using a fork and a knife. Whenever I see someone jab, poke and pry their food with utensils like they’re spearfishing on a remote island, my ick meter goes off the chart. You can claim that chewing with your mouth open is a difficult habit to kick (You’d be wrong, however. I’ll give you that excuse this one time) but learning how to use a fork and a knife is something that takes all of ten seconds to see, repeat, and lock down.
I’m not going to take time out of the podcast to debate English verse American style of dining etiquette, but in short: steady the dish with a fork in your left hand, the prongs face down, then place your knife in the right, slice the dish accordingly, then bring the fork to your mouth. Bing, bang, boom, class dismissed. In fact, I don’t care if you mix the hands up. Have at it, as long as you use both. Still, one of the worst icks is having to watch someone Edward Scissorhand their way through a meal.
Folks, I don’t care if you’re rich, the boss, dress like a celebrity, or look like a model; if you can’t use utensils the proper way, all of your positives go right out the door. Doubt me if you like, but I promise you, people will notice. In fact, years ago I was at an Italian restaurant with a colleague and our college intern when said intern twirled her pasta with a fork and spoon so gracefully, it was poetry in motion. My colleague and I were in our late twenties and a sophomore in college displayed such mature dining professionalism, we knew we could trust her with clients. Like I said, people noticed. I still haven’t seen someone as elegant with pasta as her.
If you notice a caveman across from you scraping at their food with their knuckles, while you’re using the proper technique, say something like, “That looks so good. You know, I’ve found that when I slice my dish this way it ends up tasting so much better. A chef taught me that. Here, try it and let me know if it does?” Casually show them how you did it (without making them feel bad) as you say this. When they taste their dish with your lesson, be ready to pounce on them. “It’s good, right?!? See, the chef was right. Try it again with another meal too, you’ll be amazed, just like I was.”
With this technique, you’re not making the person feel bad about their poor habits but rather, you’re offering a tip that is actually meant to make food tastier. Will it last past your current dining? Who knows? But I assure you they will take notice and hopefully, as time goes on, this is one ick they can stick a fork into because it’s done.
That was such a dad joke and I loved it.
Like I said in the previous ick, being able to properly use a napkin is not something reserved solely for veteran diners or front-of-the-house staff. It’s in fact, the easiest ick to get rid of on this list. Here, Modern Manners Guy Dining Etiquette 101 is back in session. Step one, unfold the napkin. Step two, place the napkin on your lap. Okay, class dismissed. Wow, I didn’t even break a sweat on that one. Despite napkin etiquette being incredibly simple, watching someone misuse their napkin is an ick that many people point to as a red flag.
To better illustrate ways to stop this ick, here are four quick key rules when it comes to using a napkin before the ick destroys the dining experience.
Like I said, I’m shocked that adults can’t master napkins, yet it’s a common ick that is a clear-cut divider between being someone you want to dine with and someone you wish you could ditch.
In the end, icks are icks for a reason and when it comes to dining etiquette, having poor manners is something that can definitely ruin your image. I’ve said it a million times before: when you have good manners and treat people well, you will always have an advantage over others that never take the time to care. When you have good manners, you’ll also have fewer icks, which usually leads to more opportunities, and that will lead to a much more enjoyable – and mannerly – life.
Cheers.